insecurities, lifestyle

My Biggest Insecurity

This post is long overdue!

My biggest insecurity is my hair and if I wasn’t so insecure about it, you would have read this post a long time ago.

In primary school I was a star student and by star student, I mean I aced all my tests and exams without even trying. My parents never paid for extra lessons and I had exactly the textbooks I needed, nothing more; still, I managed to come top of my class year after year. I soon became popular as one of the top students of the school and naturally teachers paid a little more interest in me. As a result of this interest, one unremarkable day, after handing out our test scripts on which I had scored the highest mark, the class teacher had said to me in front of the classroom

“God made up for your looks by giving you that brain”.

I was 7 years old.

I like to say that I grew up a normal child because it seems like the reasonable thing to say. I like to assume that everyone has had their insecurity and challenges throughout their lives that they’ve constantly had to deal with. Therefore, I grew up a normal child and I had my fare share of challenges.

Since I could identity myself in the mirror, I’ve been painfully aware of the fact that my hair didn’t look like everybody else’s. Most parts of my head bore normal healthy hair, but the front….. is bald in a really really weird way. It’s like someone took my head and carved out another hair line behind my original line such that when you look at my hair, all you see is a distinct hairless line across the front that shines. So there’s a little hair, a bald line, then lots of hair. You’re probably making a face. It’s fine. I make faces at my hair too.

When I got to junior secondary school, “What happened to your front hair?” became the most common statement people made to me. They couldn’t understand why a young girl would have the hair of an old woman and I don’t blame them. I didn’t understand it either. As was becoming the norm, I became popular in this new school. Partially because I was known as the intelligent student who read the news at the assembly every monday and partially because I was friends with the most beautiful girl in the school; Isabel. Isabel and I were both in the dance club and partook in all choreographies (is this a word?) together. The senior boys all fought to date her and her flow of love letters was unending. As you can guess, I was the ugly best friend. Don’t get me wrong, I owned that position with my chest. I gave her advice on boys and sometimes helped with school work. Everything was dandy. Until one day, when a classmate whom I’d never really spoken to, came to tell me that another classmate (a girl) had said to him about me

“Why is she friends with Isabel? Does she not know that Isabel is beautiful? With her hair that looks like rat ate it”

I was 11 years old.

For the first time in my life, I cried myself to a headache. Getting paracetamol from the sick bay was extremely embarrassing because when the nurse asked why I’d been crying, I broke down into a fresh stream of tears.

Perhaps the weirdest part of my “partially bald” hair story is that I come from a good hair family. My mother used to come visit me when I was in boarding house and she was known as the lady with the golden hair. Yes. Her hair was literally golden. My sister cuts her hair whenever she pleases because in a few months,it always grows back into a full head of hair. Even my brothers and father walk around sporting full heads of hair and matching beard. So what went wrong?

After Junior secondary school, I transferred to a boarding house and I was getting used to the stares and questions. I told people the truth; which was that nothing happened to my hair. I was born normal and started to grow abnormal hair. I don’t even know what my face would look like with a full head of hair because I’ve never had one. My answers satisfied them and they got used to me. Soon enough, I gained popularity for winning essay competitions and leading my school to the debate championship in Abuja; just like that, I became the headgirl. The most self-conscious, insecure, reserved girl suddenly became in charge of controlling other students! It was hilarious! On an unrelated note, the school re-branded all its uniforms and we went from wearing normal berets to wearing a sailors cap (the kind that runs from the front of your head to the back). I sucked at everything “head-girly” and the juniors were never eager to follow my orders because let’s be real, I was scared of them! One Saturday, the school called me to be present at the commissioning of the new computer library and while we waited for the representative from the ministry, Mrs Akin, the house mistress of “ogun house” adjusted my sailors cap and said

“Our special head girl. We had to make a special cap for everyone just to cover your front hair”

I was 15 years old.

I got to the university and something weird happened. I began to see myself as beautiful and so did everyone else. It was the strangest thing ever. I looked into the mirror one day and said “wow! I’m beautiful”. I didn’t know what to blame it on. Puberty? Hormones? My curves? My beautiful teeth? My smile? My walk? I don’t know! And I still don’t know what changed. I was still insecure about my hair and immediately I removed a weave, I installed another one immediately in the salon. People rarely ever saw me with my natural hair. Many people haven’t.

One day, I was sitting in my friends room reading a novel and I overheard her roommate say to her “Igbo girls aren’t really beautiful”. Naturally I became defensive and said “Don’t say that. Igbo girls are extremely beautiful”. She looked at me and said

“But you’re igbo and you aren’t beautiful”

I was 17 years old.

I finally got the courage to tell you about my insecurity today because I just loosened a 2- week old braid and my scalp suffered severe damages. It cut, sorry, uprooted my damaged hair even more and when I looked in the mirror at that glowing line of baldness, I cried a little.

I didn’t know where to begin and I must admit I haven’t told you half the stuff on my mind tonight because I’m a bit disoriented . Would you understand if I told you I don’t go to hairdressers because I’m tired of getting advice on products that I’ve already used? Would you understand if I told you that my mother used to always ask me kindly, if I was cutting my hair myself with a blade because it was always looking worse? Would you understand if I told you that I’ve always been told to make “special hairstyles” that could “cover up my front hair”? Would you understand if I told you that I am the most confident woman I know until I take off my wig? Would you understand why something as fickle as hair could bother me so?

I’m 20 years old.

and still insecure ….

What’s your biggest insecurity? Please leave a comment!

xoxo

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37 thoughts on “My Biggest Insecurity”

  1. Honestly I’m tired of people asking me what I’m using for my pimples. Just stfu and mind your fucking business. You think I dont already know I have pimples?? It’s on my fucking face! I’m not upset.

    Nice post btw

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great read. I enjoyed every bit of it. My greatest insecurity used to be my big eyes. I have heard so many comments about it, both good and bad that it doesn’t even bother me anymore. I like to think it’s my most beautiful feature. Now it’s my ever fluctuating weight. The struggle is real!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this post and I have an idea of how you feel.
    My biggest insecurity is my weight and it is sad that most people usually become suddenly blind to other beautiful things and only see my weight.
    People need to realize that before they notice the slightest ‘wrong’ in your body, you sure had seen it long before them because IT IS YOUR BODY!!!
    what if the person has been working on it and it is not yielding, you never know. Just keep quiet and move the hell on.
    Well done Stacey.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s nice that you are open and sincere about your insecurity. We all have insecurities and I think the sooner we all realize this, the sooner we can live peacefully without anyone feeling less of themselves.

    My insecurity? Used to be (and even now, sometimes, is) my complexion.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I guess you were right, we all have insecurities, I have/had a lottttt, my teeth (it’s broken sort of, right in front, and unlike some people we don’t have perfect dentition 😏), I also am really hairy which makes me sweat a lot….I could go on and on but let’s just say I’ve actually accepted these things. Thanks for sharing Chi Chi❤️

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  4. Stacey TBH I read this post with a lot of emotions running through my mind like whaaaaat!!! I relate a whole lot. My greatest insecurity is my skinny legs and I don’t wear shorts out till today. But I’ve grown to accept it although I still get insecure about it

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I guess you were right, we all have insecurities, I have/had a lottttt, my teeth (it’s broken sort of, right in front, and unlike some people we don’t have perfect dentition 😏), I also am really hairy which makes me sweat a lot….I could go on and on but let’s just say I’ve actually accepted these things. Thanks for sharing Chi Chi❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hmmm, really great read.
    Vulnerability is the start, I’m sure you’d be less insecure about it with time.
    I’d say my biggest insecurity is my breadth. I constantly check if it’s fine cos for a brief moment I struggled with keeping it fresh.

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  7. Used to be my speech impediment (stammering). It’s much better now, and it’s forced me to develop my self esteem and confidence.
    Now, it’s my height. I’m not short short, but a large number of girls would rather date taller guys.

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  8. You shouldnt feel insecure one bit, because the most beautiful people are the ones with the brightest minds, not the perfect face. Beauty is only skin deep after all. And also, if it is possible, try to distance yourself from people who make you question your worth. If a person values you based on your looks, then they shouldnt be your friend… I mean wizkid sang that bad energy song for a reason..lol. #mythoughts.

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  9. So sorry you had to go through all that boo!

    Hmmm where do I start with what used to be my insecurities?

    I’ve been bald since I could know what my hair looked like which is ironic because my mum says I was born with really full hair and my baby pictures say it too.

    My palms and soles are hard like I’ve been farming in the womb.

    I’m small and I’m the only one in my bloodline like that so there’s always the height jokes. I was called smallie all through secondary school even by my juniors.

    My age because at every point, I was the youngest among my peers. People made me feel less qualified to be in their company because I was not old enough.

    Old lady hands. This one makes me laugh. Apart from having hard palms, my hands actually look like an old lady’s

    Closed pores on my legs. I don’t have the softest or smoothest skin.

    My acne. Coming from a family where almost everybody is acne free. This one tire me.

    See ehn you see this list? I think they used to be more sef. Everyday I look in the mirror and smile so bright! I tell myself how beautiful I am because I’m beautiful. I mean! I’m a god! How can I not be beautiful. Whatever standards everybody has is their problem.

    You are beautiful. Let them stay there with their standards of what beautiful should look like because you are beautiful whether or not they like it. Whenever someone says something about your imperfections, say something positive about them to counter them. Or say something witty and funny.

    I was end with lazz lazz everybody go Dey alright.

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    1. You are so inspiring and I’m extremely grateful that you are a part of my audience. I’m proud of you for overcoming all these insecurities and I guarantee you that you’re a freaking star!!! Xoxo

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  10. I enjoyed reading this piece. Beautiful writing. My greatest insecurity is actually covered and opened to mostly opposite sex. Yeah, so I’m always conscious of dressing up in front of people…lol. I got better with it quickly when I googled it up and realised I’m not alone and a lot of us exist with this physiological feature….(I’m still not mentioning what it is…lol). It’s just funny that I’m only insecure about it when it comes to females and not men.

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  11. Great post. So many emotions, and yes, I can relate. My biggest insecurity is the way I walk. I walk haphazardly, almost like a someone recovering from a hangover, and almost like a girl. My life in secondary was terrifying. There wasn’t a homosexual term I wasn’t called. It was the reason I kept changing schools; I just couldn’t deal.
    Life got easier when I was in SS2. That was the time I stopped hating myself and learnt to accept myself for whom I am. I learnt to love everything about myself, and even though I don’t presently walk with a stylish gait like Trevor Noah, I do not care. The way I walk doesn’t define the person I am.

    Like

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